Michael Jordan authors shocking Billy Joel blog


Michael Jordan Looped back to the 1984 Spring Break in Cancun and dubbed himself Brosef Jordan Levitt

Michael Jordan got a script tattoo of the name of some dude he’s not even dating anymore

Michael Jordan put on a funny costume Rasta hat with dreadlocks wig and walked down the street mouthing some of the most extremely bigoted, homophobic, and violent Reggae verses imagineable

Michael Jordan turned and ran from an airport security checkpoint for no reason

Michael Jordan stuck out his tongue and held up two eggplants like they were his breasts and growled while chasing around mortified shoppers at a Whole Foods

Michael Jordan ever so slightly caressed the hand of a teen boy Dunkin Donuts employee during their drive through window interaction

Michael Jordan claimed that he reached Nirvana at a Soundgarden concert

Michael Jordan told me that if my hand was larger than my face I had cancer and then punched me in the stomach

Michael Jordan slipped a sleeping pill into my coffee rendering it fucking useless

Michael Jordan suggested we watch all five Leprechaun movies in one night, or possibly Leprechaun Five, Leprechaun in the Hood, five times

Michael Jordan had a number 1 fart-pop hit with his dance sensation “Shit Pigeon”

Michael Jordan peered over the bathroom stall with jaundiced yellow eyes for what felt like an eternity while I sat on the toilet paralyzed by fear

Michael Jordan once showed his front teeth and made scornful rat noises while being felated

Michael Jordan in one way or another had his dirty hand in the pie that was the Bergdahl-Taliban prisoner exchange

Michael Jordan taught some local school children an important lesson on bullying: How to be a bully

Michael Jordan insists on using the Hanes comfortsoft waistband for auto-erotic asphixiation

Michael Jordan responded with only a shit-eating-grin when asked his opinion on the Veterans Affairs (VA) scandal of 2014

Michael Jordan likes to scare middle-aged women by masturbating against their kitchen windows and shouting “put the devil on the glass!”

Michael Jordan read Plato’s “Republic” and didn’t necessarily disagree with the it “being just to lay down with young boys”

Michael Jordan was once asked to leave a zoo for throwing feces at a monkey

Michael Jordan thought a “writ of habeus corpus” meant that there couldn’t be a murder trial without a body

Michael Jordan likes his Oreo cookies just like he likes his prostitutes – double stuffed

Michael Jordan gave AIDS to a toilet seat

Michael Jordan looked in the mirror and saw a child murderer

Michael Jordan thought Cold Play was an affectionate name for necrophilia

Michael Jordan stopped believing in the Bernouli Effect and caused five planes to crash

Michael Jordan once said “good morning” in a perfect Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. If you heard it you would’ve thought it was really Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Michael Jordan introduced himself to me as “The Pumper” and told me he would be my friend.

Michael Jordan once recycled Dennis Miller’s joke about a Haley Joel Osment birthday party at Benihana

Michael Jordan is currently amassing a multi-million dollar budget to resurrect Jeff Goldblum’s status as a sex symbol

Michael Jordan averaged 41 points per game in the 1993 NBA Finals

Michael Jordan is a great guy

Michael Jordan got his meat lumped by some real Bay Area weight pushers

Michael Jordan paid top dollar for video of a fatal amusement park accident

Michael Jordan snuck into a retirement home, hid under one of the elderly resident’s beds, layed quietly in wait until the middle of the night and then shouted at the top of his lungs and rattled on the underside of the bed like some kind of demon

Michael Jordan invited me to the movies, ordered popcorn and then exposed me to an entirely different ‘pop secret’

Michael Jordan gladly does the thing that Meatloaf wont do for love

Michael Jordan went to a PTA meeting at his kid’s school thinking it was a PYT meeting

Michael Jordan had Claude Garamond’s tombstone re-done in Helvetica

Michael Jordan pulls his pants and underwear all the way down to the floor when he goes pee

Michael Jordan went from totally chic to totally geek

Michael Jordan has a crush on Rufio from Hook

Michael Jordan asked if I was referring to “dot or feather” when I suggested we get Indian food

Michael Jordan said “I’d tap that” in reference to Ru Paul

Michael Jordan thinks that the only thing Kobe Bryant did wrong in Colorado was “not kill the bitch”

Michael Jordan thinks that George Bush cares about Black people

Michael Jordan called an Asian American blackjack dealer a “slope” after losing a $5 hand

Michael Jordan is a self-proclaimed “Funeral Crasher”, claiming to have slept with over 1,000 grief stricken women

Michael Jordan once stole the street sign from W Jordan St (Brevard, NC 28712) and used it to brutally spank the son of a close family friend

Michael Jordan uses his influence to schedule unnecessary power outages in poor neighborhoods

Michael Jordan had mutually deceived cybersex with one of his sons

Michael Jordan sang Metallica’s “Sad but True” in the voice of a leprechaun

Michael Jordan was spotted at a Blockbuster Video suggesting the film Double Jeopardy

Michael Jordan got a free coffee at a roadside Boy Scout fundraiser and muttered the words “fuck that” as he left without giving the suggested donation.

Michael Jordan created two different online dating profiles: one seeking “regular sex”; and one seeking “butt sex”.

Michael Jordan agrees that Tim Tebow is wildly overrated

Michael Jordan started a charity to give African families malaria

Michael Jordan believes that Islamic extremists should “lighten up”

Michael Jordan flew to the sun on wings of wax

Michael Jordan was concerned that animals may have been hurt during the production of Jurassic Park

Michael Jordan claims a home office in his annual tax returns, though he is retired

Michael Jordan told me that his shit doesn’t stink

Michael Jordan had perverted fantasies about his teenage daughter’s friend involving rose petals and music from the American Beauty soundtrack.

Michael Jordan made his signature dunk from behind the foul line and then immediately crossed the line again with his signature joke about the Holocaust.

Michael Jordan Gave Magic Johnson AIDS

Michael Jordon called a filthy 900 number and insisted they charge him double the normal rate

Michael Jordan told me that his penchant for hookers was justified by years of worshipping a false god

Michael Jordan touched a gross person with a 10-foot pole

Michael Jordan called me and asked me to open a door for him. When I got to the door he had his right ball pressed against the glass.

Michael Jordan chastised a masturbator for being wasteful

Michael Jordan believes that strippers actually like him

Michael Jordan slunk his head up from the steering wheel and looked at me with murderous eyes and told me that a midget’s life is worth half the value of a normal sized person

Michael Jordan said “good riddance” in reference to Patrick Swayze.

Michael Jordan called Nelson Mandella a “show off”

Michael Jordan is having an affair with the ‘UPS Whiteboard Guy’

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Michael Jordan’s Cousin Told Me That He was a ‘Down Low’ Brother

Michael Jordan told me he wouldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving until every last Native American was dead by his hand

Michael Jordan’s attraction to smart, beautiful women is surpassed only by his taste for just about anything else.

Michael Jordan confided in me about his fear of China.

Michael Jordan pantsed me and splashed my trouser snake with a spit bucket.

Michael Jordan threatened to pacify me with a buttplug.

Michael Jordan’s wife is never short of mortified by the things he says in his sleep about gay people.

Michael Jordan sites his love of the show Seinfeld as grounds for him not being an anti-semite.

Michael Jordan went into a morgue for an hour and came out tired and satisfied.

Michael Jordan uses a mantra to curb his desire to be showered in kids’ pee.

Michael Jordan “killed that bitch before OJ even had a chance.”

Michael Jordan was the inspiration for the 1995 movie Powder.

Michael Jordan chain-whipped a teen with a bicycle lock outside of a public library.

Michael Jordan sexually molested a priest when Michael Jordan was a child.

Michael Jordan told me that he would celebrate Thanksgiving if only he had something to be thankful for

Michael Jordan told me that the only color that matters is green

Michael Jordan believes that the LA riots were a laughing stock.

Michael Jordan once used an empty Cheetos bag as a condom.

Michael Jordan pushed a button and I shit my pants.

Michael Jordan put the palm of his hand on my face and it smelled like crotch-rot.

Michael Jordan pistol whipped me because he didn’t like my shirt.

Michael Jordan beat me half to death with my own flacid penis.

Michael Jordan took me to Cocomo, but despite the popular song, it took forever to get there and then he immediately demanded sex!

Michael told me he designs all of his shoes for the comfort of Neo Nazis ‘fighting the good fight’.

Michael slam dunked my balls, but the worst part was he never called me again. Hahaha. No, but in all seriousness yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.

Michael Jordon stuck thumbtacks in my buttocks and thighs and told me it was a warrior ritual.

Michael Jordan smoked fake pot at a Cypress Hill concert.

Michael Jordan writes the terrible Top 10 lists you see on Yahoo.com

Michael Jordan is a blind, egotistical asshole who denies that he can’t see shit!

Michael Jordan stood on an overlooking hill and recklessly hurled rocks at the metal rooves of a multi-unit self storage facility because he liked the sound of the bombardment, regardless of the fact that he could gravely injure someone.

Michael Jordan put pee pee in my Coke.

Michael Jordan poured a full bottle of wine all over an infant in a crib.

Michael Jordan took something out of my shopping cart and then put it back after he decided he didn’t want it.

Michael Jordan called Verizon Wireless pretending to be me and demaned to talk to a manager for no discernible reason.

Michael Jordan told Michael Jackson that he was a great babysitter

Michael Jordan is ashamed of his family.

Michael Jordan put his hands behind his back and slapped me with something.

Michael Jordan peed on a bugzapper and shorted it out, rendering the party buggy.

Michael Jordon pooped at a bar.

Michael Jordan laughed at me while fucking me.

Michael Jordan dumped me off in the middle of fucking nowhere and treated me like a hooker.

Michael Jordan cut my eyelids off and forced me to watch him take a shit.

Michael Jordan Demands $15,000 for autograph

MJ Disses Chamillionaire

Michael Jordan proved to me how he’s hindered progress in developing countries

Michael Jordan invited me to Chicago and showed me lewd pictures

Michael Jordan told me that God wasn’t real

Michael Jordan made me eat a shit sandwich

Michael Jordan told me that I couldn’t fly